Amber's Amber

August 10, 2005

Gaming is back on

For those that didn't know, Rich and I moved to Nashville at the end of July/beginning of August. As such, my online gaming needed to be put on hold (and my face to face gaming is currently kaput, as I haven't found anyone in the Nashville area to play regularly with yet... but it's still early.)

I think the two week break was something I needed. I'm coming back into both my characters and Seasons of Mist feeling refreshed and full of ideas. I may not always have a firm grasp on what they're going to do next, but for the most part, I feel comfortable in them, like putting on an old, favorite pair of jeans.

Which means, now that I'm feeling comfortable about characters again, I can start working on one of my other problem spots - descriptions.

Posted by amber at 11:11 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 04, 2005

Thoughts on RetConning, from a player point of view

There've been a lot of discussions about RetConning of late, both on 20 x 20 Room and in a Lunchtime Poll, where Li asks us to describe the most memorable bit of ret-conning. I'm not exactly answering that question, because I can't really REMEMBER ret-conning before. As best I can, I try to stay within what has been said or done, even if it's inconvienent. Though, to be fair, there probably have been little bits here and there, things that I've screwed up as GM or player because of the faulty memory chip called the brain in my head. It happens sometimes. But none of them are overly memorable.

What truly brought all of this to mind today, however, is the fact that I'm playing a character that once belonged to someone else and trying, desperately, to stay as true to that character's background as I can. I'm not worrying completely about staying 100% true to their personality - he had major head trauma, and that could change things around a bit, though I will admit I'm trying to stick with the major things. But the background - as much as can be possible, I'm trying to keep the background cannon.

Why? Because I see myself as an actress taking over a part in this case, rather than a creatress making it up as I go along. It's makes it easier for the other people that have dealt with my character before to know what to expect and not have conflicting memories. The character may be mine from this point forward, but his beginnings were someone else's.

It does make it a lot harder for me sometimes - I'm not always good at remembering what I read, particularly if I only read things once, but I am better at remembering, even as an inkling, things that I've "lived through", which is what writing is for me. So, particularly for this game, there's a lot more going back to the GM or trying to wade through someone's previous posts or even checking with other players who've dealt with him to see if I can keep parts of his background steady. But to keep a cohesive story, it's worth it to me.

Posted by amber at 07:39 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 25, 2005

Facing new challenges

I've always wanted at least one person that I know and no well to be involved in whatever game I'm in - be that a regular face-to-face campaign, a PBeM or a Con slot. There've always been too many unreasonable fears that have kept me from joining anything completely alone and, I'm sure, which have kept me from trying a game that I would truly enjoy.

This year at TBR, it could be different. Well, no. This year at TBR it WILL be different. I've joined one game that, as far as I know, there is no one that I know well in. No one to fall back on for interaction. No one to purposefully sit near because at least they are someone I know. And this is probably a good thing.

It's about time I started practicing some of what I preach. I have a good friend that has a difficult time in believing in himself. He sees every mistake as a death blow, worries about every overture he makes. And through it all, I tell him that he's got to have faith in himself, that he's worthy of that faith and there are a lot of us that believe it.

And the issue of not joining games without my "safety net" has long been my own lack-of-faith demon. I know that I haven't been gaming as long as some of these people. I know that I'm still learning. And I'm often afraid that I will seem stupid because I don't know something and that I'll take away from everyone else's gaming experience. That, in my nervousness, I'll revert to type by trying too hard and, rather than gaining friends, I'll convince everyone around me that they really don't want to have anything to do with me.

But really, if I don't take the step to do things on my own, what have I lost, beyond a possible good time for myself? No situation is ever as bad as I fear and if everyone doesn't like me/want to game with me again/whatever... so what? I haven't lost friends/gaming partners/whatever. And I will still probably have a good time. As long as I stay relaxed, I probably won't say anything I regret.

So, I'm having my first go at this challenge. Now, it could change and it could turn out that I've got people that I DO know well in this game. But if it doesn't, that will be ok. I'll still have a good time, and I'll be able to share stories about the game I was in with Rich and Paul when I get back rather than have one or the other of them know because they were in it with me.

Posted by amber at 03:03 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 18, 2005

What's Coming in my Gaming Life

I've got at least two online games for which I need to create characters for, though (luckily) neither are things that I have to have get working on RIGHT NOW. (As was suggested to me regarding the Lexicon game that I want to do, I can just let it settle in my brain for awhile and work them out in bits and pieces.)

The first is for an Amber game that Rich and I will be playing in together. Rich will be playing Gerard and I will be playing his buxom Former-Tavern-Wench wife. The only thing I have settled for her thus far is that she will be a red-head (no? Really?), is far from a dainty flower (Gerard would break anyone that didn't have some meat on their bones), and they met when she held him for quite some time in an arm wrestling contest. He couldn't do anything but love her. :) But as far as points, or even a name, that's still brewing around in my mind.

The second is for a PBP system, non-Amber. It's a site that Rich found and quickly became addicted to called Tazlure. He's now a moderator on the site and told me of an area that will soon be reopening that he knows I would love. It's called the Rose Guild and they are an off-shoot from Pan. Basically, Roses are like Geishas or Companions. It's one of my favorite character types to play, so I figure I'll try my hand at it. A major advantage is that the posting rate is slow - sometimes as slow as once a week. It will help keep me from being overburdened.

So far, I have a bit more for her. Her name will be Sevti (White Rose in Indian). She has long, black hair, quite fair skin and startling blue eyes. Her father was local and her mother from a far off land. They ran the local tavern, where Sevti helped out until she was old enough to leave with her parents' blessing. She'd often seen Roses come through, sometimes with Patrons, sometimes on their own, and when she had time, she would talk to them about the life they led. She knew, from a young age, that it was the life she wanted to lead. So she sought out the local priest of Pan to teach her some of what she'd need to know. Other things, she tried to learn on her own. (I haven't figured out her full skill set yet.) She does have a beautiful voice, which will only turn to exemplary when she trains. She's still a bit naive, but she knows that she will do whatever it takes to eventually realize her dream. Within the next couple of months, I'm going to start her character sheet over at Tazlure and then go from there. The major advantage is that Rich will be around to help me out with it. :)

I have a feeling I'm also going to have to create characters for whatever games I get into for TBR. Most of my first and second choices require me to create characters. Luckily, I already have Gabriel ready for ACD so that's one off of my slots that I won't have to worry about.

Rich and I really need to talk about The Back Door as well. We've got the generals worked out but there are a lot of specifics. In a way, it's good because we have a smaller group than we'd expected (though still workable). The main thing I need to know is what NPCs we're going to have in the game, as I'll be NPC-woman again. (I'm still not comfortable enough to lead a game. In time, I think it will come. Just not this year. :))

I'm also getting a chance to game with Glen, Lowell & Glen, and maybe Michael and Ginger on June 4. Glen wants to run through his TBR game for a little world building. Since I'm running against him, I'm jumping at the chance. (Wild Cards influenced? Hell yeah!) That character, luckily, will be created at Glen's.

As I look back, it looks like a lot but, even adding it into the other things going on (games and the move), it doesn't feel overwhelming. It feels pretty good.

Posted by amber at 12:21 PM | TrackBack

March 11, 2005

Finding my gaming self

I'm not quite sure where I am, gaming-wise. On the one hand, I think "Oh Gods, I've got to do turns. I don't know where I'm going to get the inspiration from." And then when I start to write, I want more. I need more. But there's no more for me to write.

I don't know if I need more games or if I need to put more thought into the ones I'm in now or if I need more characters in the games I'm in now or... what. I'm lurking on a couple more games now - Heyer (which, eventually, I'll join), GalRen, HoC (well, I've been lurking on that for awhile). But just reading isn't quite enough.

I love what's going on with my characters now, even if I'm not entirely sure what that is all of the time. Braem, trying to get information from a demon, but doing her damnedest not to step on the toes of those whom she's the guest. Alex, finishing up her "meeting" with Theo, and soon to be onlist continuing her story - blowing up buildings, finding out who the hell left her that cellphone. Gabriel trying to figure out more from Hodge - and meeting Anna for the first time. Not sure where either of those are going to go. Jennifleur dealing with family members popping in while trying her best to keep the universe from falling apart.

And then there's SoM. I'm trying so hard to weave that story without giving too much away at once and without boring my players. I'm not even 100% sure where each individual piece is going. I have the overall story in my head. It's just the way that they're getting there... But even with those, I go through the "Gods, I can't write this. I don't know what to do" to the "I wish I had MORE." More players? More threads for my existing players? I don't know.

I'm hoping to start my first PBP soon. Something non-Amber related. But that's waiting on the area that I want to play in being opened back up.

I just feel like I'm looking for something in gaming and I'm not quite sure what it is. Where it is. Where and how I need to get involved in things. I guess it is a step up that I know that I still want to game. I wasn't even sure about that a few months ago.

Posted by amber at 02:16 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

January 05, 2005

Well, the step is taken

While I was writing up the reply to Brenda regarding SoM, I realized that I'm ready to come back to gaming. My mind is clear, now that I don't have the pain I'd had before. And I have the time to do the writing. I also have the time (and desire) to get the website for SoM up so I don't need to rewrite everything over and over again. It'll be a lot easier! :)

So, I sent out my posts for AX, Amber Throne War, and SB, and let my SoM players know that I'm back. I also let Deb know that I'm back for ACD. For all that I'd been looking for a new game awhile ago, I think this, combined with the Mafia game that I play on one of the message boards that I frequent, will be enough to keep me busy. I have to work on healing myself as well, after all.

It feels good to be back. I didn't quite realize just how much I'd missed it until I started writing posts again.

Posted by amber at 07:02 PM | TrackBack

November 21, 2004

Falling behind

I've been getting fairly behind in my games as well as my looking for new games of late, not to mention keeping things like this blog and my LJ updated. I did some serious hurt to my back a week ago and have been laid up in bed since. Having the laptop, I would have thought it would give me plenty of time to play catch-up with things, but the laptop is pretty heavy and I can't spend as much time on it as I would like.

I'm still trying to come up with the best way to run Callahan's Amber for ACUS this year. Rich, rightly, pointed out that a Tall Tales game has been done recently, so that should be out. I'm thinking of some kind of punning contest, but again, I'm not sure. I haven't been able to get my GURPS Callahan's book out of the gaming closet to get some ideas. I keep forgetting to ask Rich to get it for me.

Once I'm back to "normal", I also need to make a big push to get Season's of Mist back into action. I'm still down two players (and need to check with the two that have expressed interest) and two of my players are waiting on me. I think the other two can go off on their own. There are so many things I want to do for this game - a website, regular updates, a twiki... just so many things. Like everything else, I just don't have the time.

And now the laptop is getting heavy. Time to rest once more.

Posted by amber at 02:12 PM | TrackBack

October 31, 2004

I'm still here

Gaming has been pretty slow for me. I am now down to two active games that I'm playing in and one that I'm running. There's another game that sporadically updates. Come December, another will be picking up and running.

I'm still not 100% sure if this is a bad thing. Work hasn't slowed down any, just because my boss is back. It's still next to impossible to do anything there and, when I come home from work, I'm exhausted. I'm a real fun person of late, let me tell you.

On the other hand, gaming has always been a way for me to be introduced to new people that I wouldn't have otherwise known. Many of my good friends I met through Amber games. I'm always on the lookout for more.

So, I guess I'll just see how things go in the next moth or two and see if it slows down any for me to pick up another game or two (if there are any out there looking.)

On the non-gaming front, things will be a bit hairy for the next several months. I know I don't post much beyond gaming here, but I figure if I start adding other little tidbits into my posts, they might get updated more often. :) Anyway, my husband has been pursuing his doctorate in molecular biology for the last six years. A few weeks ago, he was given permission to write his thesis. What this means on the practical end of things is that I will be spending a good portion of every night trying to get him to stop playing Might and Magic VII and start writing his thesis. (Ok, it won't be THAT bad, but it will happen sometimes.) On top of this, we'll be moving after he's gotten his doctorate, so there will be a lot of packing involved. Luckily, this is several months in the future. I'm hoping this won't interrupt my gaming too much.

And now, because I can, an update on who's where in my remaining games. (Pretty much all of them are sitting in my box, waiting to be answered.)

SB

Braem - Brainstorming with Kennard on ways to close the huge crack in the middle of the library.

Alex - Checking out Theo's place, with the first purpose of looking at the plans of the building they are going to blow up and the secondary purpose of getting to know him better. Thoughts of phones are out the window.

Amberthronewar

Jennifleur - Getting an update from Rhudd about the sword room she was in.

Children of the Empire

Sable - Trying really hard not to be freaked out about the fact that she is now the only one alone in the room with the hacked up queen.

And running....

SoM

Jinx - Trying to comfort Clay in one of the worst possible situations.

Gaius - Leaving the crime scene to go back to Lady Madiera's.

Andred and Starwind - Trying to decide what to do with a young boy.

At the very least, I need to answer SoM tonight and get myself back on the ball. And maybe find time, if all my other turns are complete, to catch up on a few game dreams.

Posted by amber at 06:08 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 14, 2004

Updates from here, there and everywhere

I've been meaning to update Amber's Amber for awhile, but just haven't found that damned round toit that I know I've seen in the apartment lately. So, rather than lots of little updates, I'll do one big update on a variety of things. Hopefully, after I do the updates, the round toit will magically appear and the updates will come with more regularity (like getting the Game Dreams done. Bad Amber. No biscuit.)

There's been a lot changing on my personal gaming front. As I posted before my vacation, GA is no more. It's had a huge impact on my gaming because that game was the majority of my posting. Three characters, several threads a piece for each character... not to mention the backstory stuff I was doing with other people. It feels almost empty now. I've been considering finishing writing some of the stories with people that I know are still interested - some current threads, some things we'd just talked about doing. But I need to settle down and work things out before I do. It's worth it for me. I just have to do it. That's always my biggest problem. Just doing something.

I did manage to get SoM restarted, though. And I've (possibly) managed to get my 6th player. I'm starting to dole out a few clues here and there. I still need to create the website for the game and start updating the twiki, though. That's a project either for contribution points or for a time when I have several hours with nothing to do. I THINK my players are happy that it's back, though. I've gotten a few replies already.

RoP is supposed to restart in December. I'm looking forward to it. I've got to get back into Gabe's head though. And try to decide if he's strong enough to leave the infirmary.

I'm absolutely loving SB right now. I've finally gotten my first contact with another player. Braem is talking with Kennard in the library. I think she's going to do a little tit for tat. We'll see how much he can help her. Alex, on the other hand, is still with an NPC and is finding out some fairly unpleasant news. *sigh* Still, she'll face it squarely, as she always does.

I'm running into a few difficulties with AoY. The main one being that I've written myself into a huge monologue and I'm not sure how to get out. No one, other than Random, knows that Mirelle is a) home and b) alive (ok, Flora knows she's alive, but it's been years since she's seen her). She needs to stay out of sight because she's Random's ace up his sleeve. So I currently have her in her old rooms, remembering. The problem is, I'm not very good with lots and lots of solo writing. I do a lot better with interaction. But I have to find a way to get better. For the game.

I'm looking for another game to add to my list. I MAY be taking over a character in AoR, but I have to talk to Bridgette about it. I think we've both been in the "far too busy for our own good" area of life at the moment.

I'm starting to think seriously about ACUS. The biggest thing that could prevent us from being there is the pending move. We aren't sure exactly when it will be happening so it's hard to plan. We probably won't know for sure before deadlines come. There's at least one game I wanted to run (an Amber/Callahan's Crossover) and a couple more I was thinking of co-running. Plus there's people there that I want to see. But... I just don't know. It's one of the things that I need to talk over with Rich. Soon.

There's probably more gaming thoughts in my mind, but right now, Rich has distracted me with the Muppet Show and Elton John. It's hard to think about gaming with this goodness.

Posted by amber at 07:57 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

September 21, 2004

Bringing my muse back

I really can't wait until my work situation slows down. I'm still having a next-to-impossible time finding the energy to reply to game mail (or any other mail, for that matter... so if you've been expecting to hear from me and haven't, that's quite probably the reason why.)

10 more days. Only 10 more days and I'm on vacation.

Then, maybe, I'll start feeling normal again.

Hopefully, by this weekend, I'll have a couple updates up here. Including an update of the incredibly fun F2F session we had over the weekend.

Posted by amber at 07:13 AM | TrackBack

August 14, 2004

Sabbitcal

As of last night, I am on a gaming sabbatical for a week. I'd found that I was getting far too stressed by most of my games and just couldn't deal with it and the stresses of my life. So, I e-mailed all my GMs and told them what I needed, finding that I have the best GMs ever. So, I'm taking a short break. And, to be perfectly honest, ever since I made the decision to do so, it's like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Yesterday and today have been a little difficult sometimes, wanting to write to some things that have come into my box. But it's not weighing on my mind like it used to, so I still think I'm ahead.

Not sure if I'll take some time to write here now that I'm taking that break. On the one hand, it's gaming related so part of me thinks I shouldn't. On the other, it's something I've been meaning to do for awhile. We'll just have to see what the week brings.

Posted by amber at 04:59 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

July 23, 2004

Trust

I was posting something in Arref's journal in response to my last post and I mentioned that part of the reason I felt that I could put my characters in these difficult positions was because of Trust. Which, as I'm wont to do when I have very little on my desk and a brain that's actually working, got me to thinking about trust in gaming.

For all that people think otherwise, I'm a very shy person and it takes me a little while to step forth and make connections. And that goes with gaming as well as RL concerns. Again, I'll use Grand Affair as my example platform. (It's really the easiest for me in a lot of ways - it's the game that I've been in the longest, I've had the most social interaction with the most number of players, and I have a lot more control over my characters overall.)

It took me awhile to trust both myself and the other players in GA. I knew very few of them before I started the game so I didn't know their style of play or even what to expect from them. And I knew myself even less. I hadn't gamed with any regularity in 10 years. The Amber games that I'd been in up to that point didn't go very far. So I didn't know what kind of a player, specifically an Amber player, that I'd be. As much as the game excited me, it was also a bit nervewracking for this.

Time is the only thing that gave trust. It took me awhile before I was willing to write other people offlist and say, "Hey, why don't we do an X/Y story?" I had to become more comfortable with myself, my characters, and the people I was playing with. Now that the game has been going on for over a year (including pre-gaming), I'm finally comfortable with the people and with myself. I think I'm enjoying a greater gaming experience for it.

For me, trusting myself was the hardest. Because I was still so new, still so uncertain, it was quite some time before I stopped asking Rich "Does this sound ok?" for every post that I'd written. I just didn't trust myself enough not to say something stupid or to know my character well enough. I had to ease myself into it. Now, for GA in particular, I'll ask him on occassion, but it's usually either for "Does this sound as brilliant as I think it does?" or if I'm having a problem with it sounding good myself. A sounding board.

But I've found that trusting myself does not cross over into new games. I've still got to take awhile to get into the feel of the character, to know them as well as I know me, and to know the people that I'm playing with well enough to know how to get the reaction out of them that I'm trying to get.

I think trust is one of the most important aspects in gaming - trusting your GMs, trusting your fellow players, trusting yourself. Because (back to troupe-style gaming here) even when you meta a scene, you have to trust that the people that you're writing with will stick to the scene. You have to trust that you and they can adapt if something goes off course. With list-play, you have to trust those that aren't in the scene with you but are close enough by not to come in and wreck your scene. It's a lot of trust. But I'm finding that when you get the right group together, one that you feel you CAN trust, it's well worth the trust you're putting into it.

Posted by amber at 10:59 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 27, 2004

Gaming Dreams

Last night, I had dreams that revolved around gaming. Not characters from my games, but people I either game with currently or gamed with long ago.

It started (at least, where I remember) with us having our weekly Thursday night game, only no one showed up until around 10:30. That's when Spence showed up. I was already in bed. And I told Rich that I wasn't going to get out of bed to start gaming that late at night.

Then the dream shifted to some sort of college/classes/lots of people together for one purpose type of things. I don't know exactly what it was. But I was walking around naked while almost everyone else was in bathrobes. I know part of what I was doing was getting ready for a Con. My friend Jake (from college) was there and we were talking about gaming. Then Eric (my first GM, also from college) showed up to chat, asking me what I was doing with myself in a gaming sense lately. (I haven't seen Eric in about 10 years.) I was telling him about the Amber gaming that I was doing and the Cons I was going to and told him I was going to one in Minneapolis soon. I told him a few other things about my life, then we started talking about nipples (He and I actually had a couple hour long conversation about nipples in college while we waited out a rain storm.)

Around this time, I woke up.

And of course, I now have this overwhelming desire to find Eric and see what he's up to.

Posted by amber at 07:22 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 20, 2004

Games, Games, who's got the games?

This morning, I awoke to a very unusual occurance. But for the three e-mails that I needed to answer for SoM, I had absolutely no game mail to answer. Nothing. Not even the side stories that Paul and I write because I get incredibly bored when things are slow. And, it was like that all day yesterday too.

I'm starting to think that I need another game to help fill my time. GA, while 1 post a day, has hit a lull for me at the moment. And, even with my three characters, I've found it fairly easy to keep up. Amber Throne War is incredibly slow - I think it moves on an average of one post per week. SB averages a post every three days. And The Broken Lands goes in fits and spurts, depending on the other two players that I'm playing with. And those are the only four active games I have.

I don't blame the GMs or the players for this - life is busy for different people at different times. It just happens to be slow enough for me at the moment because I'm either paired with people who are busy or because two of my games are, by nature, slow games. It's just the way that life is.

And I know that I've been contemplating needing time away, but yesterday and this morning gave me nothing but an empty hole where my gaming was supposed to be. I don't think time away - or even a big slow down - is going to work for me.

What I need is another game, something not quite as intense as every day, but something that still has some regularity to it. Something to fill in the holes. Anyone have any suggestions? A game they know needs another character or that I'd be a good fit in or... well, something I could check out at least? Or have the GM check me out? Four games is just too few for me to be involved in.

Posted by amber at 06:56 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

May 19, 2004

Satisfaction: PBeM vs Face to Face

A friend posted something in his LJ about needing to game. I offered to point him in the direction of some PBeMs that I knew of, but he said it didn't satisfy the gaming beast inside of him, that need to sit down with dice and people and run a game.

And, for all that my gaming life started in Face to Face GURPS games in college, I would much rather do PBeMs than Face to Face. I have a hard time understanding the need for a F2F, because my desire to play is still being fulfilled through the PBeM.

I think it's because my preferences run to the interaction of the characters more than the combat or the need to use dice. (It's also why Amber is my system of choice.) I like to see the characters grow, become more than what they were when I started. Granted, that can happen in a face to face game - I know some people with 15 or 20 year old characters. I've just never had it happen with me.

Which brings me to my second reason why PBeM works better for me. I've found that, as I've gotten older, I have a shorter attention span. Rich and I were talking on our way home this weekend about our D&D game that we play on Thursday nights. I usually have the laptop with me, partly to take notes and partly because if I don't, I'll get up to check my e-mail, read a book, futz and putz doing other things that are NOT gaming. And I manage to distract other people as well. Which is NOT good. But I find that unless I have something in the game to keep my interest, it wanders. And it's not fair to make the GM come up with something that is continually interesting me, especially if the group breaks off into seperate groups. It's not that the game, on the whole, is uninteresting to me. It's just that my attention has wavered until I'm needed again. It's also one of the reasons that I'm generally quiet in large group scenes in PBeM. I try to avoid them when I can because I lose my concentration in the weavings here and there of various conversations.

For the most part, when it comes to PBeM, whatever thread I'm reading, I'm involved in it and it keeps my attention as such. Plus, it gives it to me in small bites so my attention doesn't need to be focused on it and only it for long periods of time, like it does when I'm playing F2F. I don't feel guilty because my mind isn't on anything but it.

Further added into the mix is the fact that I freeze - very easily, I freeze. Some of it is because I'm still really learning the systems I'm playing and I don't know what will and won't work. During a PBeM, I can ask Rich or Paul or Ginger or Deb or Liz or Jim or a million and three other people for advice on what I am thinking of doing. It somehow feels wrong to me to do that in a F2F. Plus, I feel the pressure of "I've got to do something RIGHT NOW." While that might be more true to life, I'm the one playing the character, and that character is living through my foibles. When I feel rushed about something, I might make the wrong decision - my character may have a lot more composure than I do. It's one of the reasons that Rich is running plot and I'm running characters for IHS at TBR. Because I can play characters fairly well, if I know what I'm trying to do in general. If someone throws a monkey wrench into my plot, I'm not as quick to recover. PBeM gives me the chance to think out what I want to say, how I want to say it, and what words put the best spin on what I'm doing. Not to mention, it helps enhance my writing. A vital necessity, in my mind.

That's not to say that I think F2F games are bad, evil, should be avoided by me at all costs. Quite the contrary. I DO like my Thursday night group - I love watching Spence play Sismari, interacting with Wayne with our whole Theif/Druid thing. I like seeing the characters come alive. I like enhancing my acting skills. I like the conversation before, during and after the games. And I like the fact that I don't have to wait months or years for a plot to be realized. It's a good way to reconnect with friends. It's got a lot to say for it.

But still... in the end, I'd have to go with PBeM. It's got far more benefits for me. So given the choice, I'd choose it.

Though I wouldn't turn down a good face to face game if it came my way.

Posted by amber at 11:25 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

May 14, 2004

Extremes

It amazes me how completely at one extreme or the other I feel with my writing. Either things come easily, or I have to struggle with every word. Either I absolutely love a turn I've sent out or I think it's complete and utter dreck. There seems to be no middle ground.

And the two don't coincide. Sometimes the hardest to write come out the worst, sometimes the best, and vice versa.

Lately, I've been in a real "hard to write" stage. I write and rewrite, stare at the screen, can't think of anything witty to say, and once they go out and I get initial reviews, am convinced that I've said/done the wrong thing. It's rarely as bad as I'm afraid it is.

I think much of it has to do with the depression that I've been suffering with lately. I'm starting on my new dosage this morning, so hopefully, a change will be in the offing.

I'm sure part of it is the rush that I feel to get turns done as well.

There's this psychological need (and since that seems to be the topic of the day, lets go with it) for me to get turns out as early as possible because I don't want to hold anyone else up. I want to give them all as much time as they can have to get their own turns out, should they choose to do so. I feel it strongest in GA because there is such a tight turn around for the section we're in at the moment and, with only one post a day allowed to the list, I don't want to hold anyone up from getting their turn a day. The other games I'm a little more lax about, but I still do my best to get my turns out every morning and try to play catch-up at night with the other that came in during the day.

I've been told that I'm taking too much responsibility in this, but I can't seem to get past that it IS my responsibility to get the turns out as soon as possible. And that I should do it and still be able to write well. I don't want to hold anyone up any further than necessary. I don't want people to be thinking "When the hell is she going to get her turn back to me?" or "Great, she replied so late that I've effectively lost a turn." I know that no one is (or should be) thinking that, but it's still niggling there and pushing me to get everything done first thing in the morning - the one time when I don't have unlimited time to do things. It always frustrates me more because I end up being later than I want (though never actually late for work) and, as was pointed out to me this morning, the quality of my writing suffers. Which is true.

It's one of the things I need to work past. Some people take the blame for everything - I take the responsibility for everything that isn't mine to take.

I'm really starting to think that a short break - even over the course of a weekend - to prioritize things and internalize those priorities - would be a good idea. I don't want to drop or hiatus games... there are too many good things going on in my games right now for me to do that. I don't WANT to lose those threads (Richard/Jayla in particular). Which is why a weekend would be good. Problem being, of course, this weekend is out because I won't have any thinking time (My sister's baby shower followed by a visit with friends), and next weekend, I'll only have Sunday because we're gaming with Glen (I think) on Saturday. Which brings me to the following weekend, when I was thinking of doing something here but... I don't know. Who knows. Maybe I will take that time for myself. The mental part of me is just as important as everything else, right?

Posted by amber at 07:51 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 12, 2004

Harmony, Rest in Peace

It looks like Threshhold of a Dream is being put to bed prematurely. I was really looking forward to the game (though I was really only just beginning to get into it) and was quite enjoying playing Harmony, my earthy, fun loving, hippy-type actress/singer. Maybe I'll be able to find another home for her, or maybe Alan will bring TD back some day.

Either way, I hope Harmony isn't permanently in bed. (Though, I may bring her out for a spin at TBR. It'll save me having to create another character. :))

Posted by amber at 02:49 PM | TrackBack

May 11, 2004

Desire vs Ability

Right now, I have an overwhelming desire to answer my game posts. I feel like I'm *this* close to having them make sense and that I'll be able to break through with brilliance. But I can't guarantee it.

Stupid migraine.

Posted by amber at 10:04 AM | TrackBack

May 07, 2004

Best time of day for writing

Of late, I've been doing most of my turn replies first thing in the morning. Part of the reason has been because then anyone that comes after me will have the full day to answer (and maybe I'll get a second answer in later, too. :)) Part of it is that I seem to have more energy in the morning than I do in the afternoon or evening - it's easier to do it when I first get up than after a long day at work which may have altered my mood.

But there's a problem with this - I don't write well in the morning.

I'm finding that I have a hard time getting my characters to say and do what I want them to when I write first thing in the morning. Yesterday, it took me the full hour and half before I left for work to get all of my turns out - and that wasn't turns for every thread that I am in. I just couldn't get the inspiration. I found the same thing this morning, though not as bad.

Last night, however, I was, once again, on. I'm very proud of the Jayla/Richard thread and where it's going - particularly with the writing that I'm doing with it. In general, I seem to say that about more of the evening threads that I write. So I may have to change my strategy around a little for when I reply.

I am curious though - do others have a time when they write better? And do they also have a difficult time reconciling it with the desire to write at that time?

Just curious.

Posted by amber at 07:36 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

April 29, 2004

Suggestions?

I want to create a website for my characters. I have plenty of space through Earthlink for it, it's just a matter of sitting down and doing it.

I've been so long out of HTML that the site, most likely, will be lame. But I'm going to do my best for it. At least it will be something that I can come back to on a regular basis, you know?

But at the moment, my brain is mush. So... suggestions? Name, layout, theme, whatever? I know that I'm going to have trumps for all of my Amber characters (or, as many as possible.) I just don't know what ELSE to put up there. I work better with brainstorming so... whatever anyone wants to put up, I'm for.

And, since I'm asking for suggestions, I need suggestions for two casting calls. For Braem, I need someone about 5'6", long, straight black hair, green eyes. Average build. For Maya, I need someone about 5'2", blonde hair, blue eyes. Again, average build, but someone with a bit of fun-loving spunk. She's a fencer, if that helps any.

And, since I'm thinking aloud, I really should do a character write up here for Maya. I don't think I've done her yet and I'd like a place to kind of figure out where I've brought her thus far, between the off camera writing that Paul and I have done and what she went through in SQuAB at ACUS.

Posted by amber at 03:29 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

April 27, 2004

Cooperative vs Secrets

The more I play, the more I realize that I'm a much better cooperative gamer than I am one who likes to have my secrets.

Part of the reason for this is that I have a hard time KEEPING secrets. I like to share my character and their background - at least, to a point that would be reasonable for the other characters to know. And, honestly, I'm not good at making secrets for my characters to have. Those hidden bits of knowledge that you work toward with your character that makes everyone go "Ah HA!" My characters are an open book. Probably, I'm sure, because I'm an open book.

Another part is that I'm still new enough to not know how much to share and how much to keep hidden. What shouldn't people know? Unless I play out every little bit of backstory with everyone my character would know, how do I determine what she would have let drop in normal conversation?

Jayla's the closest to a secret-keeping character that I have - she has a mission, she has something that she wants, and she's doing the best she can to not let people know her real purpose. And it seems to be failing. It's no secret that, at the moment, she's my biggest problem character. I'm trying to find ways to bring her about, using this more secretive background, but it's hard.

I'm creating Braem for SB and I want to talk about her, but I'm afraid to say anything at all because I don't know how much I'd be giving away. So I keep silent and feel like a kid on Christmas morning, waiting for Mommy to open up the diamond necklace Daddy bought her one day while we were out, knowing it will please her immensely.

The problem I run into is that most games are NOT cooperative in nature. They rely on secrets. They rely on hiding things. So all I can do is try to get better at it.

Gaming is supposed to expand your abilities, right? Make you a better "actor"? I just have to build on my theater classes from college. Or watch Rich. I still haven't figured out how he pulled off a stoned Connor so well, other than he's got an awesome imagination. I want some of that.

Posted by amber at 12:41 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

April 26, 2004

I'll always have to hide this part of my life

My step-mother is VERY anti-gaming. Incredibly. Apparently, when my brother was busy going psycho in his teens (IIRC, suicidal thoughts, running away to Alaska, those kind of things), he was playing D&D. And these problems, of course, were due to his playing D&D because it was of the devil. (Of course, it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my step-mother, before she got medicated, was a very difficult woman to get along with. Nothing at all.) She will not listen to anything having to do with gaming at all.

Luckily, I found this out from my father before telling her about my new interest in college - RPGs. So I kept it from her while I was in college (one of the major advantages of being two hours away from my parents). I didn't play for awhile, though I had the desire for my dry years. And I actually found the GURPS Basic Set on Amazon and decided I needed to get it. The problem? I was living with my parents at the time. So I had it sent to my brother's house (the self-same brother who had the problems... but he's had a lot of problems, so it's really hard to blame the gaming.) and, when it came, hid it in my bedroom until I moved.

She doesn't know about my PBeM gaming, she doesn't know about my weekly gaming group. When I went to ACUS, I told her I was going to Sci-Fi Con. (She knew I was going because of my visit to Cristi's grave). I've had to tell her that I'm going to "another" convention in June, which is why I won't be able to make it to Florida that month.

Today, I was talking with my father about TBR and my games - he doesn't have the same prejudices as she does - and I mentioned that there was a possibility that she's actually be ok with Amber gaming - because it's diceless, because it could be considered more of a "writing exercise" (at least the PBeMs). But my father and I decided that it's better if I just don't test the waters.

I have a feeling that I'm going to have to come up with a good cover story for all the cons I'm planning on going to over the years. How does a "creative writing convention" sound, anyway?

Posted by amber at 06:42 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

April 25, 2004

Role-playing rambings

I've got a lot of role-playing things in mind, so bear with me as I hit a bunch of them. It's about to get rambling.

First, the question "Why do I role-play?" What is it about role-playing that draws me so? I think it's a combination of the ability to create combined with the ability to NOT be Amber for awhile. My characters are all bits of alter egos/what I wish I could be for me. Jayla is more seductive than I can ever be, but has a bit of my need; Mirelle more put together, but does have the caring instinct; Rhianwyn has the innocence that I lost, but has my love of beauty; Harmony is more sure of herself, but has the strong love of the arts and is the free spirit that I try to be; Kathy has the magic that I wish I did, but does have a few of my insecurities, despite herself. Jennifleur, Braem and Gabriel don't come into play yet because either they're too new or I didn't create them.

I like the ability to pull away from myself, to lose myself in a world that doesn't require me to pay bills or go to work or clean the apartment. Yes, it's not all relaxing in the sun and eating bon-bons... hell, none of my games can be characterized that way. But my characters have ways to deal with their problems that I don't. It's, in some ways, like losing myself in a movie, but one where I have the ability to direct the plot.

And the creativity... Gods, I used to write all the time - poetry, short stories, letting my imagination run wild. Then something happened - call it life, call it brain short-circuiting, call it focusing on the wrong things that got me down for seven years. But I didn't write any more. A few poems here and there. A little fan fic, but even that... I could never complete. Role-playing, particularly PBeMs, give me that sense of accomplishment. That sense of creating something that's beyond myself. And, one of the things that I've always wanted with movies or stories is to know "What happened next?" And, with many of my games, I can figure that out. Even if the game dies, I can bring my character elsewhere. Maya's like that. She didn't even start out AS a character but as a way to write some very enjoyable smut for the hell of it. And now she's someone that I want to start bringing to cons with regularity. I want to keep weaving her story. I like that chance at creativity.

The next question I've asked/been asked/feel like answering right now is how do I like to play? And that's actually two different questions. One is the medium - and for that, it's PBeM. I prefer the written word because I'm not confident in myself as a face to face role player as I am a writer. In writing, I can take my time to find the best way to say or do something. I don't feel rushed and I don't freeze up. During ACUS, I froze up during (I believe) every game that I played. (It's also one of the reasons I'm not going to run anything by myself for awhile.) Plus, I have a better record of what's happened in PBeMs than I do in face to face gaming. Granted, the drawback is that it isn't as immediate and sometimes I lose the thread of my character (as I spoke about earlier today), but I think the benefits outweigh the detractions for it. At least for me.

The other answer to that question is that I'm a ROLE PLAYER. Not a hack and slasher. I like to advance the story, not get into conflict. I don't care about character sheets - I like to create the background for my character, and I like to know what they can do, but in all honesty, once I create a character sheet, I rarely look at it again. It's just not that important to me.

Making the segue into the next thing on my mind is character creation. I love doing the backstory for characters. I love to find out WHY they are the way they are, what makes them tick. What hooks might be there to exploit. But, as I was saying above, the numbers don't matter to me much. It's actually the hardest part of character creation for me. With Amber, it's because I really don't know the system yet. I don't know what I can and what I can't do. For almost every character I've created, I've gone to either the GM or to Rich or to Paul or to someone else I trust completely and said "Ok, this is what I want for my character. What can I do to make them like that?" They'll suggest numbers or powers or other things to me and I'll say "Ok" and write it down. I guess it's just that, for me, the characters aren't about numbers but about the past and them reacting to the future. Yes, it interests me that my character is a trump artist, but not because it's however many points trump artistry costs (and no, I don't know) but because it's something she'll need to use.

I sometimes wonder if I'm a good role-player. I know that I'm not a bad role-player - none of my GMs have had given me any complaints about my playing, either face to face or PBeM. But not being bad and being good are two different things. I know I have the imagination and the desire. I know that I do my best to have a good turn around time for turns for my PBeM GMs. And I try to be as flexible as possible and help with whatever I can. But are my characters engaging? Am I weaving a good story? Those are the things I need to think about. Not that it will make any difference in whether I do it or not - I love gaming too much to give it up - I've found I love Amber gaming above all else. But I do want to be a better gamer, I do want to learn, so I'll try to deconstruct as best I can on a regular basis, ask for opinions, find out what needs improvement, watch for myself what doesn't seem to be working and see what I can do to change that.

There are a lot of things I'm thankful about for Rich - more than most people realize. But one of the big things, silly as it sounds, is getting me back into role playing. I played GURPS in college. Then I had a 8 year drought because I didn't know anyone who gamed and I had no idea that PBeMs existed. And now I've got the best distraction in the world. Just like I thank Ed for bringing me to the SDMB and the wonderful friends I made there (and, even though he wishes it weren't so, the fact that I met Rich there), Rich's bringing me to Amber gaming is something that I will always thank him for, for much the same reason.

And now that I'm getting maudlin and weepy, I think it's time to end these thoughts and close out this entry.

Posted by amber at 08:32 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Hills and valleys

I've been going through my hills and valleys of writing again lately. Yesterday, I looked at the various game mails waiting for me and realized that I had absolutely no desire to write. This morning, I told myself that I HAD to write, but even then... most of my replies were very short.

It's not that I don't enjoy the games because, most of them, I do. (There's only one that I'm not sure of, but it's still early enough in the game that I'm giving it time.) I just feel like I've lost the thread of where my characters are at and what they want. It's almost as though the voices in my head have quieted and I'm not sure where they are going any more.

I'm also losing track of what they ARE, what has been said, other information. I keep saying I'm going to start a website where I can go back and look all of this information up, but I never seem to have the desire.

I seem to be lacking a lot lately. And I just don't know how to get this fire back.

Posted by amber at 12:04 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

April 16, 2004

How Do You Learn?

Arref was talking about something he was writing up regarding Rebma and wanted quotes for what people think of Rebman culture. I tried thinking of something to say and realized that, for all that I've been playing with one of Arref's Rebman's and seeing his view of Rebman culture for seven months, I know very little. I know that various pieces of information have been dropped and, while I can make certain views about his CHARACTER known, I can't specifically say anything about Rebma and Rebman culture in general. (Well, maybe something about the ladies dancing together - but of all that's out there, it seems pretty lame.) I then realized that, for all that it was only a... what, three hour slot?... I know more about Arref's Chaos than I do about his Rebma.

The reason? Because I played it.

It made me start thinking about how I learn things in gaming. It seems like the only way to get things to stick in my brain now is to "live" it. If I am in X's Amber, then I KNOW what X's Amber is like. If my character lives through a war, then I know the ins and outs of that war. Mirelle's patternwalk is still so nebulous in my mind (other than the fact that it was utter hell for her - as it should be) because I have yet to write it out.

When I was younger, I learned by reading. I got basic concepts without having to actually write it out or live through something. I could read, remember fairly well, and move on. But as I'm getting older, "living" through something is much more necessary. I sometimes wonder why that is.

It's one of the reasons why backstories are so important to me. I'm finding that it's just as important in the games that I run as it is in the games that I play. I'm finding that I have a better handle on Jinx than I do on anyone else in SoM because I've backstoried so much with Deb that I have a good handle on her. Mirelle becomes more and more real to me - the reason she is who she is and the reasons why she left when she did - because of the backstories I've written with others.

The writing, I think, helps make everything more real to me, more concrete. I can have lovely ideas in my mind but they are very... watery? They don't coalesce until and unless it is somewhere I can look back on it. And, the strange thing is, I find that most of the time, once it's written, I don't HAVE to look back on it. It just sorta sticks.

I expect that I'm not the only one that does this, but it is strange to think about how the way that I learn has changed.

Posted by amber at 01:09 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

April 15, 2004

Learning Something New

Tonight, we're starting the regular face-to-face session back up. I'm thinking about asking if it can be bi-weekly rather than weekly, just because we don't seem to MEET weekly but... we'll see.

We're starting Spelljammer this week. So I get to learn something new. I've never done Spelljammer before. Heck, before I met Rick, I hadn't done much D&D either (then again, I still am not doing much D&D... this game and the Broken Lands game that Alan will be starting...)

I'm really hoping that a thief in Spelljammer won't be much different than a thief in Ravenloft. She'll still get to steal things, they'll just be... different things.

I'm finding that I'm enjoying the thought of coming back into Mariline again. I didn't realize how much I missed the little minx. It's fun to be sneaky and thieving and have to be forcibly held back by a druid. And it's good to know that, every once in awhile, she makes the right choices. She hasn't quite become the groups Rhiannon yet. And that's probably a good thing. :)

I think I've run out of steam for a little while today on my PBeMs. I've gotten quite a few turns out today - Liz and I have worked quite diligently on one of the threads we're doing together, as have Rich and I for SoM. I've even gotten Theresa started. Tomorrow, I've got to work on getting Ray started. I'm such a schmoe GM.

But I think, since there's only an hour left, and I have a meeting in 15 minutes, that I'll sit back and rest my PBeM muscles for the night. Tomorrow morning, I'll be back in the saddle.

Posted by amber at 03:59 PM | TrackBack

April 12, 2004

Babbling about various things gaming

Slowly, I'm getting back into the swing of my gaming self. I've finally started Gabriel in RoP. *nervous shudder* And Alan's finally gotten me someone to play with (I hope!) in TD. GA seems to be coming back together for me - I'm comfortable with where everyone is and where they are going. There's still a lot of logging work that I need to do, but mentally, I'm there.

I need to start setting my SoM players together for some backstory. I've got game start threads for three of them, and two more that I need to try to start tonight. I'm enjoying what we have out there at the moment. But it helps that I've got an awesome cast. I'm so lucky to have them. Now if I can just live up to their expectations.

I do need to do a lot more work on Project Omega, though. I'm still not sure who's in and who's not - there've been a couple people I haven't heard from. And I think starting it over/jumping time is going to be the best thing. It's hard to maintain the energy when they're all in their own threads and will be for a long, long time. I need help in generating enough plot there, so I think bringing them to where the plot is supposed to start is the better plan. We'll see how it goes.

I finally sent Arref the write up for "In Her Shoes", so he can give me his two pennies on it. Another case of Nerves Nerves Nerves. I need to come up with a blurb with it before tomorrow, because I promised JennJ that I'd have it for her tomorrow. And I don't want to waste any more time.

I also need to sit down with Deb and Paul and find out what evil ideas are in store for "Guess Who". Which means I really need to be online one of these nights. Scratch that. Online and not hiding. I've been slipping back into that and it's a bad idea.

On the good end of things, it looks like we're going to have a good crowd for the GA dinner. 10 of us, not counting non-GA spouses. I need to update the twiki on this a little more. Maybe tonight. It shouldn't be hard.

I also need to get started on my character for SB. I know nothing about her, other than the fact that she's a Chaosian. Another point where I'm not sure if being completely clueless is a good thing or a bad thing. I'm afraid I'm going to put too much work on Paul. *sigh*

Still on my to do list is typing up my notes for RoP. I can't promise them tonight because we're doing our taxes... but maybe tomorrow night. I really need to set myself hard, fast deadlines. Because if I have wishy-washy deadlines, I end up being wishy-washy about meeting them. I think it's because I'm generally wishy-washy.

Another deadline that I've set is for reserving the room at TBR. Thursday. While my boss is gone. Then I'll have time to do it from work. Though that's still got me nervous. I HATE making phone calls. But, it's got to be done, and I promised I'd do it. So... do it, I shall.

I can make it through all of this. I know I can. And while I'm in it, I'll enjoy it. And when I look back at it from the other side, I'll say, "That wasn't as bad as you thought!" It may not help with the next time, but eventually, I'll believe past experiences rather than my own fears.

Posted by amber at 01:57 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

April 10, 2004

To Do List Slowly whittling

My forever big To Do list is slowly being cut down. I managed to get most of the game mail I owe out (though I need to e-mail Theresa about something for SoM and get both her and Ray started there, along with getting Project Omega back out the door). I also got most of the logs that I need to get caught up on caught up. The only one missing is Caol/Rhi and that's because I screwed up and deleted what I'd already done. So I'm putting it aside for now.

Still on the list: Typing up the ACUS notes, typing up In Her Shoes to send to Arref, reading the last few Gabe posts so Deb can start me Monday... really, I think that might be it.

Maybe this afternoon, before we got to Rick's parents.

Posted by amber at 10:51 AM | TrackBack

March 30, 2004

Unconnected Gaming Thoughts

This weekend, I was reading Brief Lives between my spots in the gaming and, for some reason, thought about playing a Mirelle based on Delirium. Of course, I don't have any elders games on my current roster of "characters to create" games, but I may write her out anyway, hold her in check until I can find a place to put her. She could be a lot of fun to play. And I've already found that I can channel Del pretty effectively.

However, I don't know if I could keep her up in a Con setting. That, I think, would even take too much out of me. It was too difficult when I was doing her during the Vagabond game.

---

This weekend proved to me, once again, that I need to change my name. I thought I would get whiplash from all the times I'd hear "Amber" and whip my head around only to realize that no, people WEREN'T talking about me after all. I think by TBR, I'm going to try to switch everyone to Am, at the very least. I'd thought about going back to Stasia, but... No, I think Am is safer. It's not a complete departure.

---

I've got a lot of game-related things that I need to do over the next couple of days. I need to prod my SoM players, get the SoM info to Ray so he can get me a character, ask Theresa to add him to the SoM forum, answer Deb's SoM mail and, hopefully by the end of the week, get her started on the actual meet of the campaign (and get Paul started too, if I can think of where I want him and what I want him doing it).

I've got to send an e-mail out to my Project Omega players and find out who's still interested, who owes and who I owe to, and set up a posting schedule so I don't go nuckin' futz.

I've got to start on my character for Tom's game, though I have absolutely no clue what I'm going to do character-wise. I'll figure something out. I think I just haven't had enough time to sit down and think, with ACUS coming up.

I've got to reply to Paul and Liz for the Mirelle/Delwin/Neti thread. I've got to start work on the thread for the ball that Paul and I are doing. I've got to start the Mirelle/Francesca thread to get Liz and I finished with the pre-reception stuff. I've got to start the Mirelle/Corwin thread between the reception and the ball. I need to figure out where all three of my girls are so I know where I'm going for the ball. I need to check with Paul re: the ceremony and Jayla being there to watch. I need to think more about the e-mail that came in today re: GA and decide what my thoughts are on it so I can reply thoughtfully. I need to track down the Mirelle/Caine thread and find out if I dropped the ball or if it's in Jim's court. There's probably a million other things that I need to do for GA, but that's the start (if anyone reading this knows of something I'm missing, please prod me.)

I've got to check the status on the other games that I'm in so I can figure out where I'm at and what I'm doing... a Character Status Report might not be a bad idea when I get home tonight.

I've got to work with Paul on my character for SB.

I need to finish reading the Gabe logs so Deb can get me into the RoP/ACD saddle as quickly as possible. (I may read just the current stuff first, then go back as I have time to past info... then I can at least get started.)

I need to sit down with Rich and decide whether we can make the idea that we were talking about for me to GM at TBR really will work. (Of course, I'm not dumb enough to do this COMPLETELY on my own. He's going to co-GM with me.)

I need to type up my notes (such as they are) from the Con. Particularly the notes for RoP. And send the quotes that I have for the various games to Kris.

I need to get my head on straight for LFS and figure out where Quin's been while Jordan and Ceri were talking (since she obviously wasn't there by the way they kept talking on and on) and get back in on the conversation.

There's probably ten million other things I need to do. And I'm sure they'll come up as time goes on. They always do.

---

Enough babble for now. more babble later.

Maybe.

(I do have a write up of Arref's game half way finished, but I want to completely finish it at home, where I have my notes. So look for that later. Maybe later tonight. But no promises. I guess that's something else that should have been on my To Do list. *sigh*)

Posted by amber at 04:17 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

March 19, 2004

Finding a way to make it all work

It seems to be a growing number of people that are trying to balance their online lives with their offline lives, trying to keep up with everything and finding that some things have to go.

I'm rapidly finding that I am among that group.

I usually send out my game mail in the morning before I go to work. Lately, that e-mail has been causing me to leave the house later and later. This morning, between answering e-mail (and, granted, one was an e-mail to a friend from Florida that I hadn't heard from in awhile) and a few other necessary things that needed to be done, I didn't get out of the house until the time I was supposed to be at work. I came in 30 minutes later than usual. Every other day this week, I've left after 8, when I try to catch the 7:45 shuttle so I don't have to pay to get to work. And this is without answering all my game mail, too.

Something's got to give. I'm not sure what because, honestly, most of my games aren't incredibly labor intensive. A post every day, every other day or less is all that's expected. Of course, part of it, I know, is that, even if it's all that's expected of me, I'm getting posts more often than that and I feel obligated to answer them right away. I can't seem to let them sit.

I don't really want to lose any of my games because, for the most part, I enjoy them all. I mean, they all have moments when I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say "forget it". But that happens with my life in general, so I'm not taking it personally against any of my games. And really, I don't feel like I HAVE a lot of games. GA is probably my busiest, but that's more because I have three characters than because I'm getting tons of mail. I'm not allowing myself to be dragged into more than one post a day on LFS. I'm getting less than one post a day (sometimes less than one a week) for Threshhold. DEM is about once a day. DarkShades is slowed considerably. I'm not active yet in ACD/RoP. I'm just working on characters for Amber Throne War, SB, and THAW (and I should be on KoM, but I've been in hide-mode, so I haven't talked to Jules yet about it.)

The two that are bothering me the most, I think, are my games. I don't feel like I'm as on top of them as I should be. I haven't been keeping up with the backstories that I've been promising people for SoM, I haven't been asking people for character stuff like I should be. I haven't been getting on a regular schedule for Project Omega like I should be. Those are probably a bigger priority than the rest of my games because more people are counting on me for them.

I don't know if it's that I'm still off-balance after Cristi's death or if I'm off-balance because of ACUS coming up and needing to make sure I have everything done for that or what. I just kind of like I've been thrown into a blender and whirled around for awhile.

Once I get back from ACUS, I'm thinking of setting up a posting schedule for myself - both in the games I run and the games I play. Something that keeps me from feeling overwhelmed like I have been the last couple of weeks. I don't like the feeling of not doing the things that I enjoy - posting here, posting in my games, chatting with people at night.

The problem, as always, will be finding something I can stick with and not letting myself get sucked back in. It's far too easy for me to return to my default setting.

I also need to look into spending less time on LJ. I think I've been posting there far too much. I like my question of the day, but I've been far too busy there lately. Averaging 8 posts a day. Granted, many of them aren't cluttering up everyone's friends' lists, because they are for specialized groups or just for me. But it's still a waste of time that I shouldn't be doing.

Balance. It's all about finding balance. At least my offline life is starting to thrive some. Gaming every Thursday, every weekend between now and the end of April busy with something (and every weekend for the past several busy as well). Now to just balance out the rest.

Posted by amber at 12:35 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

March 08, 2004

I thought I could write, but...

I just spent time looking at the various GA people's character updates and realized that I can't get any energy for Mirelle, Rhianwyn or Jayla right now. I can't even joke with pairing them up right now. It's kind of frustrating for me because I WANT to get back to normal, I WANT to do the things that I've done before. I want my girls to get back to their fun. But they're silent and I'm empty.

Paul suggested that I write something that I don't "owe"... but I've been doing that all weekend. Memories rather than fiction, but I've been focusing away from my characters since Thursday. I can't find a story that needs telling right now. And, lately, I've done much better collaboratively than I have independently.

My mind may change by the time I get home tonight and read the pieces waiting for me to answer. Maybe inspiration will strike. Who knows.

Still, in thinking on things, I think it's going to be easier to find my character voices again than it will be to find my GM voice. For my characters, I'm half frustrated, half tentative at the moment. For my games, I'm just lost. I can't seem to find where I'm bringing my players. So they wait even longer than my characters will. (As a matter of fact, this weekend I got turns out for some of my games, but none for the ones that I'm running.)

If I'm online and up for it, does anyone feel like doing some character chat? Either working on a thread that actually needs to be done or just a discussion between any of my girls and one of your characters about whatever? The more I think about it right now (which I fully admit may change by tonight), I think that might help me pull back into my characters even better than straight e-mail writting will.

Posted by amber at 01:52 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

The inability to write through grief

I've been writing a lot, but not for my games. That doesn't seem to come. Instead, I've been writing a lot of my memories of Cristi. And I think it's draining me for everything else.

I managed to get a few turns out over the weekend, but I wasn't happy with them. I usually get my turns out in the morning before I leave for work so that if anything comes up during the day, I can do it. But this morning... I just don't have the energy. I feel like I'm holding people back but I just can't force myself to move forward. I've considered taking a sabatical until I can work through my grief but that doesn't seem fair to the people I'm playing with. And I keep hoping that inspiration will come and I'll be able to start writing again, letting me heal. But I also feel like I'm in limbo.

So I don't know what I'm going to do. No writing today, I know. But that's about all I know. I just feel written out.

Posted by amber at 07:27 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

March 01, 2004

Homage

A Question (or, more likely, a bunch of questions):

How much/how often/have you ever paid homage to something in a game or a scene? How did it work? What kind of things have you tipped your hat to? And have other people recognized and appreciated it?

The reason it comes to mind now is because I'm getting ready to work out the details for this very thing in GA right now. It's something I don't want to go into too much detail with because I want to see how many people "get it". But I was also wondering if I was weird/unusual/strange/silly to be doing such a thing.

I've done little tips of the hat before - in Project Omega, the bar that Damien's crew is in (and later everyone will be in), is based on my favorite Irish Bar/Restaurant here in Philly. (Ok, so that's the only one I can think of at the moment.) But this is quite a bit larger and different. And, hopefully, will be appreciated.

As I said, though I'm curious what other people have been done, how it's been received and things like that.

Anyone?

*crickets*

Posted by amber at 04:18 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

February 27, 2004

Thoughts on gaming in general

This morning, I was talking to one of my co-workers about gaming. She really wasn't familiar with what gaming was at ALL so I had to explain the difference between PBeM and face to face gaming to her. And as I was talking, I realized that, if I had to choose between the two, I would choose PBeM.

The reasons are many. Primarily, it's because I get to practice, increase and expand my writing skills. There was a time, several years ago, when they were getting daily use. I wrote SMK FanFic. I was writing every day, as well as reading other people's fictions, good and bad. I saw what I liked and adapted it. I saw what I didn't like and took pains to avoid it in my own writing. Then life got busy and I didn't write for a couple years. When I started writing for PBeMs again, my skills had atrophied. Luckily, not to the point of shivering and shuddering at the sight of my words on a screen, but I wasn't up to my previous standards. And I knew it. But I'm regaining my ground now that I'm playing again. Every thread adds a little of my old skill back. I like that.

Another reason is the time commitment. I'm able to be in a lot more games without having to set aside a huge chunk of time at once. I can answer e-mails as time permits. As long as I keep relatively on top of them and meet the GMs requested posting rate, I can add the time in as I want. At the moment, I'm actively in five games, one is in an iffy stage, I've got four in the works to join and I'm GMing two. Plus my weekly face to face game. I wouldn't be able to do that if they were all face to face.

Plus, I get a chance to meet a greater variety of people when I'm PBeMing. Some of them, I may never meet face to face, but I still get to know them through their playing styles and offlist conversations. I've got some people who's playing styles mesh so well with mine that, if I was restricted to face to face gaming, I never would have had the chance to meet them. And it's made my life richer.

The only thing I can think of that gives you this much bang for your buck (Sean, if you're reading this, stop laughing NOW), is a convention. And those can't run as long term as PBeMs can.

It's funny because when I first started PBeMing, I thought of it as a substitute for "real" gaming. Now it's my preference. Face to face gaming has become a supplement to PBeMing, in my mind. Quite a change in a year and a half, I think

Posted by amber at 02:52 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

These are the games, my friend

Contained within are thoughts on the various games that I'm in, may have been in, may yet be in, and anything else that comes to mind. I'm just kind of rambling right now because a lot of things have been hitting lately and I need a chance to get it out. Here goes.

Last night, I got the e-mail regarding Raven for HOC. She wasn't accepted. I was disappointed, yes. For all that I tried to psyche myself down, telling myself that I wouldn't get in, I had just enough hope left to make not getting in hurt. I don't hold anything against Ginger and Michael - I know it was a damn tough job to choose just two out of the six of us. I want to talk to them about their thoughts on Raven later. Maybe tonight.

Last night, Paul also offered me a spot in SB. I think he asked me last night because he knew of my disappointment in not making HOC. I know that he's wanted me in the game for awhile and that he just didn't have the space before now. At first, as much as I'd love to be in SB, I wasn't going to take him up on it. I didn't want it him to go against what he'd set down for himself just to make me feel better. But, he gave me enough good reasons for why he CAN take me now (and why now is a good time) that I'm taking him up on it.

And, I'm also adding a few other games to my stable. I got an e-mail from Jules saying that she approved of my character concept for THAW/Reconstruction (and that life's going to get interesting as soon as I get in the game. :)) And she still wants me in KOM. I just have to come up with a character for it. And I need to get her IM name so I can chat with her about it.

WWC is still in the midst of auction, though I haven't heard anything from Brian in a couple weeks. I'm thinking I should poke him and make sure I didn't get left off of the e-mail list again. I'm still very interested in it.

I'm still trying to decide what to do about LFS. It's under new management, which could make things better. I'm not sure. There are quite a few concerns I need to bring up before I decide whether I'm going to stay or go. And who knows, maybe it would be better all around if I'm not in. At least Quineth isn't as entrenched as some of the other characters.

I'm not sure what to do about Project Omega. I like the idea and I think it has a lot of potential, but Rich hasn't been holding up his end of things and it's making me wonder if people are even still interested in the game. I know that Wayne, Kris and Tara are - I get regular e-mails from them. But Sal, Dave, and Lin (who finally got her first post the other day, but whom I haven't heard from since)... Bill's got computer problems, Sean keeps saying he thinks he owes but doesn't get the posts. I don't want to give up on this. But... I dunno. I'm going to a twice-weekly posting schedule for it, Sunday and Wednesday. I've got to get on a regular schedule with it.

I'm also wondering if everyone is still interested in SoM. I know that Deb and Paul are, and Tara's been busy but told me that she's get me what I need as soon as she can (I do need to remember to poke her like she told me to). But I sent an e-mail out to the group at large, letting them know where we stand, what I need from them and things like that, but I haven't heard from half my players on it. So should I take this as "Not interested" or "Poke 'em again" or what? I want to start after ACUS, but I may not be able to. I'd also love to backstory with them. Having done so (solo) with Deb has given me a wonderful insight into Jinx and has made it so much easier for me to integrate her into the story over all. I want that for all of my players.

GA is moving from one area to the next. The reception is ending and the between time before the Ball is starting. All in all, I'm pretty satisfied with the way the reception went from a player standpoint. Rhi may not have met anyone other than Luke, but she's got a date for the Ball, so that's a definite plus. And they DO make a wonderful couple, don't they? Mirelle's had a chance to meet quite a few people and she's got some on her radar to meet later. The only one that I'm slightly disappointed with is Jayla because there's been more silent time than posting time with her. Right now, she's still waiting for someone else to start their story. It's incredibly frustrating because it just puts her in a limbo which she's been in for far too long. Luckily though, we're starting post-reception today so I believe she's going to run into Rhys and see where we go from there. I need to talk it out with Rey.

From a Mod point of view, I think there are some issues that came to the front during the reception that need to be talked about. Part of that, I think, is that we, as Mods, need to be clear on what we're doing and when and why. Which, for the most part, I don't think we have been. We're chatting online Sunday at noon. So we'll see how things come out at the end of it. But I do see why Ginger and Michael couldn't keep it up. I'm still committed to it - I DON'T want it to die. But that means trying to make sure it doesn't implode either.

Excitement is starting in ToaD. And, as much as I like the character development scenes between Hesperus and Harmony, the action feels really good. I don't feel like we're just floating there, which is the feeling I'd had somewhat. I hope it stays this way. Granted, I do want Harmony and Hesperus to have a chance to explore their relationship a bit, but I also want the action. I'm just a greedy bitch, I guess.

Dark Shades is... I'm having a hard time staying in Kathy's head for it. I think it's in part because it's my only non-Amber game that I'm playing (in PBeM, that is) and in part because Kris has had a lot of real life concerns lately. Sadly, I'm at a place where it's definitely the GMs move rather than Kathy's. So I wait. But it's worth it. It's just hard to pull myself back to Kathy sometimes.

DEM is, I think, the only game I haven't mentioned yet. I haven't had too much trouble switching between my two Mirelles (in this game and in GA), but their different personalities haven't come to the fore much yet. This Mirelle is too busy trying to keep an eye on Osric and trying to find Finndo to let any of her inner bitchiness come out yet.

Damn. I did forget another one. RoP/ACD. Where I'm taking over Gabriel. I'm still trying to immerse myself. It's tough. There's just so much there. One of the things I need to do is go through the log that Deb sent me and concise it down to a single written form, taking out the sigs and duplicate parts. It will have a dual purpose of giving me a general overview of Gabe and make it easier for me to read later. Maybe I'll do a little of that Sunday between cleaning. It's something I should at least start on. I've got to be ready before ACUS. Which means I only have four weeks to do it. So I need to get cracking. Until then, I'm going to enjoy his unconcious state.

That's a lot of games. A lot. And I still want more. I think it's because most of my games ARE slower-paced ones. GA is the only one I have daily e-mails from. Well, I'm getting daily backstory mail from Deb for SoM. And that makes it easier for me to be in so many and still want more.

Then there's still the character creation for ACUS that I need to do, once I find out if I got into the games I wanted to get into. Hrm. It's never enough, is it?

Posted by amber at 10:32 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

February 16, 2004

Losing the desire

I have many pieces of game mail sitting in my mailbox to be answered - 6 for GA, 3 for SoM and 1 for Project Omega. There's the letter I need to write to the one GM too. And the e-mail that I need to send to my SoM players, giving them the time table for the game. (Since I really would like to start after I come back from ACUS.) I've also got 12 e-mails that I owe people sitting in my mailbox to be answered and a couple LJ replies to make.

And I don't feel like doing any of them.

I'm not sure why. It's almost like I have no writing energy left in me. I look at the posts that need to be made and I can't think of anything clever or witty for any of my characters to say. In some cases, I think it may be fear of being misunderstood. I seem to have done that a lot lately, particularly with Jayla.

I wonder if taking the weekend off has something to do with it. That I need to get myself ramped back into the swing of things again. It's one of the problems with the "weekend off" scenarios for GA. On the one hand, it's good to not feel the pressure of posting. On the other, the couple days sometimes causes me to lose my momentum. It doesn't make sense - two days shouldn't do that. But it seems to.

Maybe I just need to force myself to write. Pull myself in and say whatever comes from my fingertips.

Just don't hold it against, me, ok?!

Posted by amber at 05:11 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

February 13, 2004

Is it me or what?

I have someone that I both play with and play under that I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. I'm frankly more concerned with being in this person's game than I am in being in a game with this person - the latter I can just do my best to avoid contact with them. The former, I have no choice.

Part of the problem? I'm feeling invisible and like my IC questions are falling on deaf ears when it comes to said person.

The first instance was in a game where X was a player (yes, I'm doing my best